Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
