You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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