I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
