I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I have tasted many bathrooms
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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