Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
