my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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