Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
