Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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