Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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