Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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