you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
