anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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