somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
