There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
