1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Where is the hickey?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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