just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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