I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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