I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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