So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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