my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
