I think my vagina is haunted
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
