You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
