Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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