I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
