Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
