what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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