I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
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