I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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