I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
