She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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