even my farts smell like vagina
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
