yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
