Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
