if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
