Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
