hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
