I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
