I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
It's blow job season.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
