Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
The uberlube is also flammable
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
