hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
