I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
