The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
