Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
