shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
