You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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