Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Actions speak louder than pants.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
