I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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