i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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