I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
