Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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