I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
