Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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