Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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