I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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