You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
