the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
